Vote for Big Denny

"Potholes, nuttin' but potholes in dis damn place."

Following what Big Denny is saying can be difficult at times, so I asked him to elaborate.

"Dere's potholes all over da street in front of my joint, Maxey. Da farmers been breakin' da wheels on dere tractors an' I been losin' business. Maybe I oughta complain to da govaner. Say, who's da govaner, anyways?"

"Well, it's Gray Davis," I said, "but he's been having troubles of his own lately, and I don't think he'd much care about your potholes. Maybe you ought to talk to someone who's trying to replace him."

"An' who would dat be?"

"Arnold Schwarzenegger. A lot of people think he'll be our next governor."

"Arnold Schwarzawooger? Ya means dat robot what comes back from da future ta kill people? Da govaner of California?"

"Sounds about like what we deserve, Denny. Haven't you been reading the newspapers?"

"Da Barstow Bugle? All dey ever write about is when ta plant alfalfa an' how ta treat head sores on goats. How can I get ta meet dis guy?"

"Well, he's going to be speaking at a rally in L.A. tomorrow. Maybe you can get to him then."

Denny decided to give it a shot, so the next day we drove down to the auditorium where Arnold was appearing. When we walked in, he was giving a speech – of sorts. About all he said, over and over, was, "Ve vill pump up der economy." Whenever a reporter or spectator broke in to ask how, he replied, "Don't bother me mit details. Ve vill pump up da economy."

"Boy, dat mug sure talks funny," Big Denny remarked. "Where's he from, anyways?"

"Austria."

"Oh, yeah, where dey got all dem kangaroos."

Trying to teach Big Denny geography would be like trying to teach a 4-year-old nuclear physics, so I simply nodded and turned my attention back to Arnold. He was now insisting that he was a legitimate candidate because he knew everything there was to know about California.

"Oh, yeah?" Big Denny suddenly boomed out. "Den what about dem potholes in Barstow?"

"Barstow? Vere der hell is Barstow?" Arnold replied sneeringly.

"I'll show ya where da hell it is," Big Denny shouted, stomping his way to the front of the auditorium.

Schwarzenegger took one look at the massive hulk descending on him, waving his fist and yelling, "Go back to yer kangaroos," and turned pale. "Help," he squeaked. It took a small army of security guards, but they finally subdued Big Denny and tossed him out into the street.

I ran outside, terrified that Big Denny would start tearing down the building, but when I got there, he had already decided on a different course of action. "I'll show dat mug, Maxey. If he can run fer govaner, so kin I."

True to his word, the next day Big Denny filed his candidacy. There was some question as to whether an "X" could be accepted for his signature, but considering the odd crew that had already passed through, the clerk just shrugged and took his money.

"Congratulations, Denny," I told him later. "Now that you're an official candidate for governor, what's your platform?"

"Ya means ta stand on?"

"No, I mean, what are your plans if you become governor? What will you do if the people elect you?"

Denny acted puzzled. "Fix da potholes, of course."

"You can't run on just that. You have to offer big promises to improve people's lives, save them money, that sort of thing."

Big Denny thought for a long time, then broke out in a big grin. "How's about I lower da price of hamburgers?"

"No, Denny, you can't interfere with free enterprise."

"OK, den what if I pardon all my pals in jail? Dat would save da taxpayers a lot of dough."

"Yeah, and double the crime rate. You've got to do better than that."

Denny thought some more, and then his face lit up. "Da schools waste a lot of dough teachin' kids stupid t'ings like algeba an' triggernometery. T'ird grade is all dey needs. Dat's as far as I got, an' look how good I turned out."

"On second thought, maybe issues aren't your strong suit," I decided. "Maybe you'd be better off with just a simple, thoughtful slogan that will resonate with voters. You know, something that will show how strong and decisive you are."

"OK, Maxey, how's about: 'Vote fer Big Denny or I'll sit on yer head.'"

That's it, then. The billboards will be going up soon, and they're guaranteed to scare the daylights out of everybody who sees them. If Gray Davis or Arnold Schwarzenegger is reading this, take my advice and just fix those potholes, and save yourself a lot of grief.