Poker in the Olympics

Hi. Come on in. Let's toss some darts while we speak of our beloved game of poker.

The Winter Olympics are upon us, in Salt Lake City, and, of course, they're all over the TV. Even the majestic game of poker stands second to these international games.

I'll be glued to my TV set watching these beautiful people go for the gold. Some will get it, while others will get silver and bronze. Most, however, will experience the agony of defeat after years of preparation have brought them from around the world to Salt Lake City to compete against the world's best.

As in life, there are winners and losers. And as we all know, life and poker often imitate each other. Life alternates in its giving and taking, just as poker does. Life has its own pat hands and its own busted flushes, just as poker does. We can easily equate life and the Olympics – and poker. But at the Olympics, there is no poker! It is my intention to correct this oversight of the International Olympics Committee.

I present here an incomplete list of possible poker events that could be incorporated into the next Olympics. I'll let you know at a later date about qualifying for the American team. I can say even now that special consideration will be given to players named Doyle, Phil, T.J., and Roy.

Card tossing at the dealer for accuracy after losing a pot. The dealer, of course, will be wearing protective pads and a facemask. (He cannot, as in real-life poker, toss the cards back – that's too bad.)

Card tossing for distance after a bad beat. Cursing the dealer will subtract points.

Chip stacking. Making the tallest stacks while still being able to see around them to play. No glue or other foreign substance may be used for assistance.

Worst bad-beat story. The only problem with this event is, where will they find judges who will listen without falling asleep – or telling their own bad-beat stories?

Endurance event. Playing the longest amount of time without leaving the table for any reason, including a restroom break. (At the completion of this event, there will be a 100-meter dash, with the finish line in the restroom, of course.)

Hustling event. The quickest to come up with $100 to get into action. Secondary category: being able to stay out of sight of those who were hustled the previous day.

Liars event. Awards the greatest number of times that a player claims to have missed flush draws in a four-hour session.

Restraint event. A player who is stuck in a $5-$10 game must listen patiently to another player who is a $600 winner complain of not having won a pot in more than eight minutes.

Strength event. Lifting and carrying the most chips to cash them in. (Special training sessions will be held for players not having much experience at this.)

Swimming-related event. How long can a player stay afloat in the Sea of Debt after not having booked a win in six weeks?

Wrestling event. A player must wrestle with his conscience. Should he or should he not tell the dealer that he was given $110 worth of chips for his $100 bill?

I must advise all expected entrants that members of the U.S. Olympic Poker Team will not participate in the excitement of opening day ceremonies. This is not because of any bias against poker players. It is due to the fact that if the ceremonies are held before noon, poker players are still sleeping. If they are held in the afternoon, they're still trying to figure out where they're going to play or whom they're going to tap for money to play. If the ceremonies are held in the evening, players obviously cannot participate because they will be playing.

Watch this space for a semiofficial entry form.

Tossing darts is more fun if you don't stick one in my arm. I must rest and recuperate. Kill the light on your way out.

Editor's note: Roy West, author of the best seller 7 Card Stud, the Complete Course in Winning, available from Card Player, continues to give his successful poker lessons in Las Vegas to both tourists and locals. Ladies are welcome. Get his toll-free 800 number from his ad on Page 109.